Basic Bitches are having a moment.
From College Humor to New York Magazine’s The Cut, Basic Bitches are being defined and skewered as the ultimate in personal mediocrity.
Los Angeles, a city filled with wanna-bes and sycophants, is home to a distinct strain of Basic Bitch. She’s a model/actress (mattress) who churns Kale juice and really wants you to like her Facebook fan page.
Here are 10 Signs You’re An LA Basic Bitch. If you have five or more, I regret to inform you that you are one Basic LA Bitch.
Mattresses are self-declared model/actresses, and make up the majority of LA Basic Bitches.
A truly basic mattress has never worked on a movie, campaign, or show that you’ve heard of. Mattresses have been told from a very young age that their beauty is rare, valuable, and worthy of payment.
She’s got a LOT of cute headshots and an agent in Van Nuys, yet somehow never gets called back.
Mattresses travel in packs, never pay for drinks, and secretly despise each other. Mattresses have terrible boyfriends and make terrible waitresses.
A Mattress’s BFFs include other Mattresses, club promoters, and wealthy older men with Malibu beach houses and private jets (Note: Matresses love selfie-ing from aforementioned jets without ever acknowledging the one funding the experience).
Monday-Thursday especially, a Mattress can be found nibbling appetizers at a table of 27 girls and 1 or 2 guys at STK, Boa, Beso and the like…being escorted straight to the VIP table at Hooray Henry’s, Bootsy Bellows, AV or Greystone right after. Mattresses are always on set but never on film.
LA Basic Bitches exclusively wear low cut body con dresses and staggeringly high ‘red bottoms’.
2. Your Never Ending Narration of Healthy Lifestyle
Juicing, hiking, and consumption of obscure natural foods are the LA Basic Bitch’s favorite topic. What’s so interesting about juicing, you stupidly ask an LA Basic Bitch? EVERYTHING.
Squeezing. Blending. Liquefying vegetables (such as kale or beets) that are rarely consumed in liquid form. A truly Basic LA Bitch likes her smoothies green, slightly grainy, and from Earth Bar.
There’s a reason people started buying juice rather than squeezing juice from fruit, and that reason is squeezing juice from fruit is time-consuming and dull.
But LA Basic Bitches have lots of free time and are pathologically dull.
Every LA dweller has hiked Runyon Canyon, but only the Basic Bitches will breathlessly Instagram their every visit.
As the LA Basic Bitch approaches middle age, her health obsession will inevitably morph into Scientology or at the very least Crossfit. As any Basic LA Bitch will tell you, she has always been deeply spiritual.
Basic Bitches in LA can name and distinguish Bikram, Ashtanga, Vinyasa, Jivamukti, and Ivananda.
She knows all the latest work out trends and rattles off celebs who endorse each type. Try to restrain your enthusiasm when she monologues about the latest pilates/yoga/bar/collagen fad.
3. Your Instagram Consists of Sunsets (while in traffic), Selfies (while in traffic), and Inspirational Quotes
(likely posted in traffic)
LA Basic Bitches share an almost primitive fascination with the Sun’s ascent and descent.
Had she been born a couple of millennia earlier, an LA Basic Bitch would have doubtless paid tribute to some primeval Sun God. Now, in lieu of human sacrifice, the LA Basic Bitch shows her solar appreciation via Instagram.
'Likes' are life-giving manna to a LA Basic Bitch, and she falls back on her most prized possession when gathering sustenance: her looks.
LA Basic Bitches love driving selfies because a. they are bored b/c traffic :( and b. sunglasses and natural lighting cleverly disguise all flaws. If she’s stuck on the 405 or Fountain is backed up, you can bet the Basic LA Bitch will cope with a sulky selfie #latraffic.
Don’t even talk about the 101; she literally can’t deal.
BTW, not one for reading actual books, the LA Basic Bitch adores posting inspirational quotes (from books she has not read) over scenic backdrops. She imagines posting words she didn’t say over pictures she didn’t take adds culture to her online presence.
4. You Wear Yoga Pants To Brunch, Lunch, and Dinner
We know you weren’t at the gym. We see your DryBar blow out.
Basic Beverly Hills Bitches (wealthy middle aged versions of LA Basic Bitches) can be seen lunching on Rodeo in lululemon yoga pants and a Birkin. LA Basic Bitches aspire to be Beverly Hills Basic Bitches, but very few acquire rich enough spouses.
Basic Bitches who wear yoga pants with a Birkin tend to have affairs with their yogalates instructor and dissolve Valium in their Ketel One.
LA Basic Bitches copy the look by wearing Victoria’s Secret Pink yoga pants with Marc by Marc Jacobs cross body bags.
5. You’re At 4/4 And Getting Nervous
How will you cope with being basic?! You can’t even. Literally. You might need help.
6. You Create A Personal Hashtag, Catchphrase, or Fan Page
Referring to yourself in the third person is a chronic symptom of the hopelessly basic.
LA Basic Bitches are constantly thinking of new, grammatically offensive ways to brand themselves. They very much want to be paid for being themselves.
LA Basic Bitches are so random and awkward but in a totally funny, relatable way, which is why she uses #sorelatable when tagging her eponymous vlog.
She’s never heard the expression ‘Jack of all trades, master of none’ but if she did, she’d just wonder “Who’s jack?”.
The LA Basic Bitch KNOWS she is destined for stardom, just like Audrey Hepburn. Or was it Katharine Hepburn? She always gets them confused.
Basic LA Bitches fail to see the difference between ‘followers’ and ‘fans’. In the mind of an LA Basic Bitch, everyone she knows is a fan waiting to happen. An LA Basic Bitch will make a Facebook Fanpage for herself and will literally invite you to fan her.
Don’t- it drives her nuts.
7. You’re A Fashionista Who Doesn’t Know Fashion
The LA Basic Bitch LOVES fashion.
She LIVES for fashion. She really, really wants to be IN fashion. However, when the time comes for an LA Basic Bitch to name her favorite designer, she inevitably chirps ‘CHANEL’. Her favorite magazine is ‘Vogue’ but she couldn’t say the last time she read an issue.
Like a shark that can never stop swimming, the LA Basic Bitch cannot stop thinking and talking about herself for very long. In depth knowledge of the fashion industry requires focus and an interest in others that an LA Basic Bitch simply does not possess.
The most obscure label she’s aware of is probably Alexander Wang.
The Basic LA Bitch is unphased by her own ignorance, and is deeply convinced that walking through Barneys is equivalent to a degree from Parsons.
Basic LA Bitches have trouble differentiating between ‘store’ and ‘brand’.
She’s bored by fashion shows, because fashion shows require prolonged focus on people who are not you. Even if she tries super-duper hard, the mind of an LA Basic Bitch will inevitably drift towards herself.
A Mattress to the core, the LA Basic Bitch sees models- not fabric, cut, or fit.
Models remind her of herself.
The LA Basic Bitch will then begin whispering comments like ”I could so do this” or "this reminds me of that one show I walked in," relieved to refocus attention on herself.
8. You’re a Label Whore
LA Basic Bitches die for designer, but only designers widely recognized by the public: Louis Louis, Gucci Gucci, Fendi Fendi, Prada- basic bitches wear only that shit and just want you to be aware.
Or maybe take her picture for a STREETSTYLE blog.
Label Whores spend lots of time prancing about in Louis and Louboutin, fervently hoping someone documents their STREETSTYLE. LA Basic Bitches love the concept of STREETSTYLE because it uses real, attractive, designer-clad women (such as themselves) as models.
Label whores are distinguished by both matching and unmatching brand monograms and labels (as long as all have a flagship store on Rodeo).
They wear Dior sunglasses with rhinestones on the side and earrings studded with Chanel’s signature double C.
LA Basic Bitches absolutely used to model (thanks for asking) and would model professionally if she was just a couple (5) inches taller.
9. You Post Passive Aggressive Stati/Tweets Punctuated By ‘….’ or ‘:)’
When is an emoticon not an emoticon, but a thinly veiled attack?
Often, for the LA Basic Bitch. Basic Bitches in general rely heavily on emojis to express their complex feelings without having to use adjectives. Passive aggressive use of social media is a corner-stone of Basic Bitches, who are above the haters and need you, and everyone they know, to know.
LA Basic Bitches are more prone to …. or :) passive aggression expression because their vocabulary rests at a 7th grade level.
They’re also under intense competition with other LA Basic Bitches for unmarried men above 5’7 and limited paying Mattress gigs.
Basic Bitches never confront an upsetting person or problem head on, instead using rapid internet validation to bolster their righteous indignation.
Basic Bitches are terrified of being perceived as ‘mean’ or ‘a bitch’, so they use :) and … to cutesy up declarative statements.
The LA Basic Bitch craves attention and giddily uses any perceived slight to get it. If you ask, she’s just expressing herself.
Don’t ask. She’ll express herself.
Examples: ”Some girls confuse hot with hot mess ;)”
"Lol like I care what my ex does…"
10. You Have Teen Taste
LA, as a city, is obsessed with youth- but LA Basic Bitches take youthful obsession to the next level.
Utterly convinced that ‘You’re only as old as you act’, an LA Basic Bitch has the musical taste of a 17 year old. Any adult woman who identifies as a ‘Belieber’ or ‘One Directioner’ is automatically a Basic Bitch.
Basic LA Bitches are still hoping to be cast as a sassy High School student in the next Disney sensation. She’s read the entire Twilight series, and is forever looking for a controlling Vampire beau to call her very own.
He’ll end up being a drug dealer.
Katy Perry, Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, Miley Cyrus, and Zac Efron are an LA Basic Bitch’s fav. celebrities. She’ll tell you she’s partied with them, but she hasn’t. They were just at the same club.
So there you have it my darlings. There are definitely more signs to the LA Basic Bitch but unfortunately, I must bid you adieu and run to my new kundalini cardio yoga class…I hear Demi Moore has been spotted there on more than one occasion.
But OBVI, I will leave you with one final thought…
DISCLAIMER: Don’t stress too hard if any of these pertain to you…we can all be a bit basic sometimes… ;)
If you’re feeling kind of basic today… take 20% off some non-basic bitch outfits at stylehaus.com/store with promo code BASIC20
XX MARINA MONROE
Hair: Whether you go to the salon, buy it, or make you own, the sand and wind have damaged your locks and they’re in need of a cleanse. Put on one of your favorite Sex and the City episodes and let it all soak in.
Face: We hope that you’ve had the chance to wipe off all that make-up by now but a good facial scrub will open those pores and allow them to breathe. If you’re more of a spa treatment kind of lady then schedule an appointment ASAP.
Paws & Claws: Even if you had the luxury of being in VIP, your nails are still feeling the aftermath of the sand storms. Maybe the toes were sheltered in ankle boots but if you’re digits are getting the treatment, why not get the whole package, right?
Vitamins: Vitamin C helps rejuvenate the inner body to fight off any sickness you may get from partying too hard. Your body is not 100% so give it some help with a little TLC and a multivitamin as well.
Diet: Eat clean and green along with some antioxidants, like blueberries, thrown into the mix. Get your immune system back with juicing and healthy snacks.
Exercise: Release the muscle tension from the hardcore dance parties with yoga and/or pilates. Don’t be shy to get a good sweat in with a cardio session to push out impurities from drinks, food truck food and whatever other not-so-healthy consumptions.
Reading: Grab a new book to lose yourself in. Forget about the desert, as much as possible, and clear your mind to get back to reality. A good book and a glass of red wine is sure to calm your inner party girl.
Rest: The most important item after a long weekend of endless nights is rest. Get your eight hours in each night to help your body recoup. Allowing your body enough time to do nothing but repair is the best medicine you can take.
Day 3 of Coachella 2014 continued my long sleeve crop top obsession.
The Vitamin A striped crop top was made of bathing suit material and ideal for temperature fluctuations. My high waisted Ksubi black shorts held up famously, as did my ever-useful Swoon Lux backpack. The vintage Armani sunglasses are a little kooky for my LA look, but ideal for Coachella’s boho fashion free for all.
Every year I intend to wear beat up boots, and every year I end up buying a new pair of Loeffler Randall Matilde boots because they’re just too good to pass up. Tip: buy boots a half size up so you can wear padded gym socks. Your feet will thank you.
Coachella 2014 was a glorious blend of my favorite friends, artists, and celebs. I loved every moment and am returning home inspired, elated, and exhausted. Here are my favorite pics from Coachella 2014: Day 1.
On the first day of Coachella 2014 I wore:
Wearing an expensive hat from Rag & Bone or Eugenia Kim to Coachella might be tempting, but you’ll regret it when a sandstorm blows that beauty away and you’re left chasing the wind. Trust me. I know from experience.
My Swoon Luxe backpack was a total lifesaver, and I ended up wearing the Ostrich ‘Riley’ backpack all weekend. Bringing a backpack to Coachella will be the smartest choice you make all weekend. The Coast Wide embroidered denim button up was a super useful: I sat on it, I covered my head with it, I did everything with it. When a sandstorm hits, you want a shirt like that to protect your face. You’ll notice from some other Coachella pictures that I love, love, love long-sleeved crop tops. They show just the right amount of skin without looking tacky. Plus, a long-sleeved crop top will keep you cool during the day and warm at night.
Girl Talk killed and was my favorite show of day one. You may not have heard of Carnage, but Trap music is my latest obsession so I was blown away by the Carnage performance.
Stay tuned for my Coachella 2014 Day 2 & 3 Style Recap!
I’m an over-scheduled, under-sleeping multi-tasker in 24/7 smoky eye, so when I get home you know I’m not just going to throw on a stained sweat suit. Some women might find baggy, unflattering clothing helpful while working from home, but frankly I find it depressing. How could I instruct clients on living the glam life while dressing like a depressed farmhand? Even in private, your personal style should- and easily can- remain true. Loungewear should not be boring. Comfort should not be bland. Sweat suits should not be worn.
Silver screen sirens such as Bette Davis in All About Eve or Faye Dunaway in Mommy Dearest are the icons when it comes to glorious loungewear. They may not have been good, but they were something far more interesting: glamorous.
My at home uniform consists of leggings, an ultra soft T, and the defining piece: a kimono or bed jacket. Toss on a shiny silk kimono or rich velvet bed jacket and my bedroom becomes a boudoir. I instantly feel sophisticated and prepared to face an overflowing inbox with grace- not guilt. Even if reality television remains playing ever so softly in the background.
Kimonos also made an appearance on the Spring/Summer 2014 Runways, signaling an incoming trend.Roberto Cavalli, Gucci, L’Wren Scott, and Emilio Pucci all used kimonos in their Spring/Summer 2014 collections.
Best of all, kimonos and bed jackets are available in every price range. No matter who you are, you have no excuse to wear some terry cloth monstrosity while working from home or just vegging out in front of the TV. Kimonos and bed jackets will save you from a home life of fashion frump.
Hats often intimidate girls because it’s very easy to look like an asshole in a hat: one false selection, and you’re that girl at the party who tried way too hard and wore a tacky ass hat. I’m not here to tell you that anyone can wear any hat and, with a little confidence, look amazing. That is patently untrue. I’m here to tell you that with a little information and a lot of restraint, you can select a fashionable and affordable hat that even your haters will covet. Whatever style you select, remember the one golden rule of modern hat wear: don’t get crazy.An accessory that sits atop your face is not an opportunity for unbridled creativity.
The Panama hat has been a staple of summering elites for over a century now, but in Spring 2014 the style is gaining favor among the young and fabulous. Panama hats are brilliant in their simplicity: woven straw, medium brim, and understated ribbon streak. Since the Panama hat exudes Gatsby era vintage charm, it’s best paired with classic or minimalist pieces for understated elegance. Beware of pairing the Panama hat with loud patterns or anything 80’s/90’s neon.
There’s nothing more American than a baseball cap, and designers put their spin on the sporty staple all over Spring/Summer 2014 Runways. Tibi showed Italian-made wooden baseball caps, Lacoste color-matched hats with outerwear, Rodarte channeled street style with backwards baseball caps, and DKNY accessorized the accessory with printed bandanas. Under no circumstances wear a baseball cap emblazoned with an actual baseball team. Backwards baseball caps pair well with a 90’s look. If you’re going for a hip hop/urban look, wear the peak folded or curved.
Unfortunate name aside, Porkpie hats are the new hipster fedora. Just last week I was rifling through Barneys in a last minute Coachella shopping frenzy and spotted some ubercool porkpies with a subtle black sheen. Porkpie hats are not for the faint of heart or prepster girly girl. A porkpie says: I’m here and I’m cooler than you. Since the very shape makes a strong statement, choose a dark, unpatterned, unembellished porkpie. Think glunge: glam meets grunge. Combine a porkpie, leather jacket, and combat boots for a badasss moment.
Oversized floppy hats remain a fashionista must, especially in California. There’s something sexy and 70’s about a wide-brimmed hat carelessly folding over a youthful face. Of course, wearing a wide object that bends over your eyes provides some strategic difficulties. Situations with shoulder-to-shoulder crowds should not be attended in the floppy hat, as there is no room. Driving in a floppy hat sounds like a very poor idea indeed. If you wear a floppy hat to the office, you will look weird. My point is that while floppy hats look fabulous, they should really only be worn outdoors. Floppy hats are best in a neutral shade (beige, brown, black) and look gorgeous with a maxi dress.
Much ado has been mad about the humble fedora, yet the omnipresent style is still popular among fashionable women around the world. Men, on the other hand, should probably stop wearing fedoras; the ‘douchebag dude in fedora’ meme is too powerful. While I still personally believe that classic straw is the best fedora material, fabric is more than acceptable. Patterned fedoras are a style don’t, and for the love of God do not stick a feather in it. You aren’t Robin Hood.